I am a couponer. I make my shopping list based on what I have coupons for. I’m not a cheapskate…I’ll buy full priced chachskies but I don’t do it unless I know there aren’t coupons. Case in point…GAS. Why aren’t there gas coupons?! I mean is it really going to hurt the billionaire oil companies to throw me a bone of 1 cent off a gallon? Plus the mêlée that would ensue to get such coveted coupons would make my life. The shitheads at the gas station by my office have thrown a new token into the game…they give you gas 5 cents cheaper if you pay in cash. FIRST of all, who walks around with $60 in cash anymore? The only paper in my wallet on the daily is in the form of a coupon, receipt, straw wrapper or insurance card (this is another story but I pay your ass thousands of dollars and you can’t take the time to fucking laminate my card? You WANT me to throw it out with my expired Tutti Fruity punch card so I get a ticket the next time I get pulled over for not having my 2 x 3 inch tissue paper that shows I bleed cash to you for ‘coverage.’ Then my insurance will go up for said ticket…well played dicks…well played.)
Once you decide which gas station to empty your wallet into, you have the issue of choosing a pump. I’ve had this vehicle for 8 months and have filled my tank at least once a week. You’d think by now, I would know which side the thing is on. Nope. My previous vehicle had it on the passenger side. This one has it on the driver’s side and it’s completely rocked my world. Every other time I get gas I pull on the wrong side and don’t notice until I get out. Then I pull around the entire fucking thing just to pull on the wrong side again. Last time I did this 3 times in a row and just drove away out of shame and flat out annoyance. My car also has one of those buttons you have to push to open the door to the thing. (Yes, that’s the scientific name for it…the thing…jerks). I’m not used to such bratty gadgets, so I often get over to the pump and try to pry my door flapper open with my fingers until I realize I have a button for that. I guess it’s to ‘protect’ me from syphoners but if you’re dumb enough to inhale gas out of a tube, take it. Your diarrhea will be flaming and neon green…let me top that off for you.
Then you get to the stage where you stare at the buttons trying to figure out which shit is the least expensive. I’ve been filling tanks for 11 years and to this day, I still get confused. If you’ve read anything above, this is not a shocker. I know it says the price and I should do the regular unleaded but its a pressure-packed situation and I always panic. After I make my selection, here comes the best part…touching the thing. By thing I mean the deal with the hose that goes into your gas opening. I’m not an idiot, I swear, I’m just having trouble forming words correctly today as my day is currently a jumbled mess in shit city. I am a self-proclaimed germ-a-phobe. Those handles do not get cleaned and there is always some nasty typhoid or stomach whatnot going around and I get sick from people TALKING about being sick. There have been hundreds of boogers, coughs and spits leaching to that handle all damn day and now I’m going to bask in it?! I always have the hand sanitizer prepared in the cup holder so I can sanitize immediately but today I noticed something new. Today there was a hand sanitizer squirt box on the side of the pump. They are now admitting how disgusting the handles are and now pose a new problem…do I want to touch the lever that dispenses the antibacterial suds. If it were my gas station there would be rubber disposable gloves for your protection as well as a sink station with soap and paper towels. If you’re one of those weirdos who is allergic to rubber…well you have bigger issues than not being able to utilize the gloves at sanitary fueling station.
I’m a fan of the stick that makes the gas continually flow so I don’t have to stand outside like an idiot pretending to not stare at the car of dysfunctional adolescents as they roll doobies in the back of their cutlass while pumping gas with the engine still running. These scientists are whom I have to count on for my social security. I’m what you call a lucky bitch. When the stick clicks off, I am now entering the ebb and flow of ‘can I get it to the nearest dollar without overflowing gas on my Ugg boot.’ This is a game I despise and it gets the best of me every fucking time. I go over by 2 cents every time and think I can make it to the next dollar…I learned a hard lesson with this game last year. If you keep pushing it as it’s clicking it’s ass off, the shits going to flow out as it did to me. I was so focused on the dial and reaching my goal of being exactly on, that I was unaware gas was spewing out all over my clothes and shoes. The lady one pump over had to make me aware of the fact that I didn’t pee…I had just pumped about $6 on to my clothing and was running late for work.
Back to my main point of working the system. From now on, I’m only filling up to a full tank when gas is cheaper than $3 a gallon. They’re basically giving it away at that point. When it’s over $3 I will only fill up $20 at a time until it goes down. If I don’t have gas, people won’t ask me to haul their asses around town because ‘you can fit more people’ well guess what mother fuckers, I’m putting an empty box in my back seat from now on and can only take 1 person at all times.