Any time you’re at a dude’s residence, visiting the john is a MUST. There is no exception to this rule. Now, this can be tricky because you don’t want to spend too much time in there that he thinks your making a doodey but you don’t want to come out too quickly that he thinks you either A. didn’t wipe B. didn’t wash or C. call you out on snooping. If you really have to go to the bathroom and plan on snooping during the same visit…well...good fucking luck, I hope you can multi-task.
I start with the medicine cabinet because this stop is where they hide the good shit and you will know in the matter of 30 Mississippis if you need to call your BFF for a ride and jump out the window. If you see any of the following items, speed dial that bitch: tampons, creams you’d hide next to your bread and Cheetos if you had to purchase, pills that don’t come up on Google censored, lady deodorant or a dead bug. If you haven’t found any of these items you may be in the clear.
While you’re there, scope out the sink. If you’re at his house, he was planning on you being there. If he didn’t wash the facial pubes out of his sink, you can probably guess he’s selfish and isn’t trying to impress you aka he just wants to hang and bang. It’s a great way to figure out where he stands without having to have that annoying ass conversation everyone dreads about ‘where is this going’ (said in my best whiney girl voice). I hate that shit. If whisker boy can’t swish out his sink and you’re not interested in a one-nighter, get drunk; tell him you got your period in the bathroom and dip. Seriously bros, it takes 3 seconds to splash a little water around.
If you have to potty, do that now. While you’re passing time, take in the scene. I always look for a few key items: spray, tums, antacids and a hand towel. I don’t know what it is about men but they NEVER have hand towels in their bathrooms. You may not feel like you need to wash your hands after a number 1 but we do and it doesn’t count if you have a hand towel and it has a smell because it hasn’t been washed since your mom put it there when you moved in 6 months ago. My IBS thinks it’s funny to ninja attack me when I’m at a guy’s house. I think it’s rude but she enjoys it so I’ve learned to cope. If he has spray, he earns major points. If he doesn’t, he at least needs to have fantastic smelling shampoo or body wash. If you take the top off and squeeze it repeatedly it has the same air freshener effect, you just have to put in more work. Matches don’t count as spray because that smell is worse than dump, lets me real. Tums and antacids show that he has similar issues as I do and bodily functions don’t gross him out. This may not be a factor to you dicks that can eat Chinese and not be on the pot 10 minutes later so if you fall into that category, bite me. It’s also a point earner because I can sneak a couple without him watching me dig through the bottom of my purse for 20 minutes, look at something that may resemble a tums with a sketchy face, then slowly eat it making sure it’s not a rock or lint ball. If you ever plan to spend the night after getting sauced, you’ll thank me for reminding you of those 3 items while you’re blowing up his bathroom the next morning.
On to the shower stall. I am a product whore. Anyone who knows me, knows I spend a ¼ of my paycheck on shampoo I don’t need, miracle serums that do the same thing as the $1 potions and conditioner promising to give me J. Aniston hair. If a guy has salon brand products, it could go either way. He either takes care of himself and doesn’t want to look like a sloppy joe or he’s a Madonna and you could be fighting over mirror time. If he has more than 3 styling products, option 2 might be the winner. The loufa. Now, I personally enjoy a loufa and bar soap dries my skin out so if a guy uses one, this earns him points. Plus, dude body wash is bomb and smells amazing. This tells me he’s secure with his masculinity and was smart enough to realize if he used a washcloth, he was wiping his face with the same item he just used to wash his ass and pits. Mazel.
I’ve recently uncovered the wildcard bath item…sheers. Not scissors…sheers….hanging in the shower. I’m good, but woman enough to admit this one stumped me. When I first saw them I started to wonder why the fuck they were IN the shower. You can’t manscape while being rained on unless your Chuck Norris or Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy because he’s just a badass and could manscape in a tsunami. I’ve never lived with a dude before and since my BFF was already on speed dial in case I needed to jump ship, I called for intel. Evidently they manscape in the shower before the water comes on so the hair can just wash away. Huh. Who knew they were so smart? If your man does this…marry him.
If you ever plan to sleepover at your homey’s house on a school night and aren’t going home before work, be sure to pack a few necessities in your shack sack and follow a few rules. Rule #1 Pack your own everything. Ok that’s the only rule. If your boo even owns his own hairdryer, chances are it’s the one his mom used in the 90’s for her travel bag and he took it when he moved out. Last time I used one; I could’ve blown on my hair and had it dry faster. You can always tell when a guy doesn’t or hasn’t lived with a girl because there’s not a fan in the bathroom. If you sweat like I do, plan ahead and bring humidity spray for your hair and extra deodorant. You can also tell he’s never lived with a girl if there isn’t a trashcan in the bathroom. Not only is it rude, but it seriously makes me question this joker and what he does with Q-tips, tissues and used floss.
Whatever you do, don’t compliment him on any of these things. If he’s anything like my ex-jackoffs, the ego snack will make him feel like the male Martha Stewart god and the next time you come over you’ll be faced with homemade toothpaste and he will suggest you fold the end of the TP into a point when you’re finished.