Upon entering an establishment, I can scan the area and always tell who’s infected (yes I watched Contagion and yes I’ve regretted it every day since). They are the ones who are sweating but look cold, are applying Carmex to areas it’s not intended, carrying a snot rag that used to be a Kleenex but now looks like a dreadlock (tissues are a one time thing people…would you reuse toilet paper?!) and appear to have not slept in days. These people have terrific asshole potential and are the rodents to avoid. However, no matter what I do, these assholes ALWAYS find me and ALWAYS want to back fuck me in the canned good isle. Look, I can’t see dick without my glasses so I have to be right on top of it to read the label. That’s not an invitation for you to piggy back me as I’m crotched on the ground. I'm not giving out pony rides. I won’t even buy produce with outbreaks of this caliber. Do you realize how many people wipe their nose and cough on their grubby little hands while fingering every pepper and cucumber in the joint?! Ya fucks. The only things in the world to instantly make dry heave are tortured animals and cartoon germ illustrations. You’re already explaining the germs to me as you flood my television with commercials; is it really necessary for you to illustrate fuzzy ovals on all of my material goods? These drawings are a germ-a-phobes worst nightmare. Now every time I touch a door knob I picture prickly lime green fungus pods. Insert shudder number 2.
When I’m dating a dude and he’s sick, I do not go near him. You were lackluster with your hygiene that shits on you bro. Few things are more disgusting than someone’s snot running down their face and into your mouth when you kiss them. Or my favorite…laying down and turning your head to talk to them only to be greeted with a waft of high-powered coughing pathogens so forceful, your bangs blow. What do you even say to that…thanks.? I’ve had jokers not tell me they were undiagnosed just to get me to come over in hope I ‘wouldn’t notice.’ Please, I detected your body sweats from the porch. With this being said I just received the following exchange:
Just as I'm about to publish this blog, my aunt sends me an email entitled "How Can Anyone Not Want Children." In case anyone thinks my statements regarding children were uncalled for, please view the below montage.