There are few things (ok a lot of things) I despise in life. First and foremost…sick people. It’s no secret I’m a germ nightmare and I don’t even like ‘healthy’ people near me. I haven’t decided how I’m going to handle this when I procreate, as children are sticky, germy catastrophes. I can always tell when school is back in session because all of my friends who are mothers post shit on Facebook about how they are sick. The parenthood plague always hits in August/September and January. I don’t understand why they don’t just hose their kids off with GermX in the front yard like normal parents. And it’s not like you can just distance yourself from them as you would any other bacteria infested human being. I guess you could always shove them off to your spouse but from what I hear, offspring want their ‘mommies’ when they are ill. Insert shudder. Maybe this will be one of those things that just doesn’t bother you when it’s YOURRRRR kid. People say this fuck load of lies to me constantly. ‘Oh it doesn’t matter you just got poo in your mouth when it’s YOUR kid.’ Or ‘Who cares, it’s just a little pee…when it’s YOUR kid.’ ‘Oh, you won’t care when that little asshole flushes for $500 phone when it’s YOUR kid.’ Uhh to these people I say, the fuck it doesn’t, I care and the fuck I won’t. Doodey and urine will always be just that regardless of who or what it comes out of. Last Summer I flew to Florida with my cousin and her kids. By the time I was home I had strep and green boogers. I don't get informed that both children were sick prior to this trip until the flight home when I mention I'm dying and her ears are exploding. The icing was that I finally found a parent who was pissed their kids got them sick. I knew we were related for something other than entertainment value.
With that said, we are at current day…the land of typhoid, biggest whooping cough outbreak in 60 years and states declaring emergencies because half of the population has the flu. I don’t even want to leave my house without rubber gloves and a scarf tied around my face. Side note, I’ve been tying shirts, scarves, shorts…basically anything around my hair/head recently and my boo does not approve. I think he thinks I'm working some sort of comedy routine or starting a new fashion trend when in reality, I’m just bored as fuck in the winter! Reason 493847 why I hate winter and pity his soul for liking me. The only plus is you can leave your liquor outside and it stays cold.
Upon entering an establishment, I can scan the area and always tell who’s infected (yes I watched Contagion and yes I’ve regretted it every day since). They are the ones who are sweating but look cold, are applying Carmex to areas it’s not intended, carrying a snot rag that used to be a Kleenex but now looks like a dreadlock (tissues are a one time thing people…would you reuse toilet paper?!) and appear to have not slept in days. These people have terrific asshole potential and are the rodents to avoid. However, no matter what I do, these assholes ALWAYS find me and ALWAYS want to back fuck me in the canned good isle. Look, I can’t see dick without my glasses so I have to be right on top of it to read the label. That’s not an invitation for you to piggy back me as I’m crotched on the ground. I'm not giving out pony rides. I won’t even buy produce with outbreaks of this caliber. Do you realize how many people wipe their nose and cough on their grubby little hands while fingering every pepper and cucumber in the joint?! Ya fucks. The only things in the world to instantly make dry heave are tortured animals and cartoon germ illustrations. You’re already explaining the germs to me as you flood my television with commercials; is it really necessary for you to illustrate fuzzy ovals on all of my material goods? These drawings are a germ-a-phobes worst nightmare. Now every time I touch a door knob I picture prickly lime green fungus pods. Insert shudder number 2.
When I’m dating a dude and he’s sick, I do not go near him. You were lackluster with your hygiene that shits on you bro. Few things are more disgusting than someone’s snot running down their face and into your mouth when you kiss them. Or my favorite…laying down and turning your head to talk to them only to be greeted with a waft of high-powered coughing pathogens so forceful, your bangs blow. What do you even say to that…thanks.? I’ve had jokers not tell me they were undiagnosed just to get me to come over in hope I ‘wouldn’t notice.’ Please, I detected your body sweats from the porch. With this being said I just received the following exchange:
Upon entering an establishment, I can scan the area and always tell who’s infected (yes I watched Contagion and yes I’ve regretted it every day since). They are the ones who are sweating but look cold, are applying Carmex to areas it’s not intended, carrying a snot rag that used to be a Kleenex but now looks like a dreadlock (tissues are a one time thing people…would you reuse toilet paper?!) and appear to have not slept in days. These people have terrific asshole potential and are the rodents to avoid. However, no matter what I do, these assholes ALWAYS find me and ALWAYS want to back fuck me in the canned good isle. Look, I can’t see dick without my glasses so I have to be right on top of it to read the label. That’s not an invitation for you to piggy back me as I’m crotched on the ground. I'm not giving out pony rides. I won’t even buy produce with outbreaks of this caliber. Do you realize how many people wipe their nose and cough on their grubby little hands while fingering every pepper and cucumber in the joint?! Ya fucks. The only things in the world to instantly make dry heave are tortured animals and cartoon germ illustrations. You’re already explaining the germs to me as you flood my television with commercials; is it really necessary for you to illustrate fuzzy ovals on all of my material goods? These drawings are a germ-a-phobes worst nightmare. Now every time I touch a door knob I picture prickly lime green fungus pods. Insert shudder number 2.
When I’m dating a dude and he’s sick, I do not go near him. You were lackluster with your hygiene that shits on you bro. Few things are more disgusting than someone’s snot running down their face and into your mouth when you kiss them. Or my favorite…laying down and turning your head to talk to them only to be greeted with a waft of high-powered coughing pathogens so forceful, your bangs blow. What do you even say to that…thanks.? I’ve had jokers not tell me they were undiagnosed just to get me to come over in hope I ‘wouldn’t notice.’ Please, I detected your body sweats from the porch. With this being said I just received the following exchange:
Later in the conversation I ask the ridiculous (evidently) question of ‘Are you still going to the gym tonight?’ Of course he’s going to the gym! This is what I don’t understand about men. They have a cough and are dying. They have a stuffy head and need a 24-hour maid to wait on their every need. But when said faker is sick and his bro asks him to play football, Call of Duty or it’s time to go to the gym…those fuckers will flip to life stronger than J.Lo’s comeback. I’ve wanted to hang out with a sick boyfriend exactly never. When women are sick they are also working, cleaning, taking care of whatever children they produced, cooking and doing laundry. Basically, we be bad ass.
Just as I'm about to publish this blog, my aunt sends me an email entitled "How Can Anyone Not Want Children." In case anyone thinks my statements regarding children were uncalled for, please view the below montage.
Just as I'm about to publish this blog, my aunt sends me an email entitled "How Can Anyone Not Want Children." In case anyone thinks my statements regarding children were uncalled for, please view the below montage.