Anyway, I’ve never kept a diary or journal but I’m starting this new ‘cleanse’ and thought I’d give people who don’t give a shit, the first hand account of what one of these ‘miracles’ is like. I don’t believe in diet pills, I think it’s a gimmick to get you to spend money and if you’re eating cinnamon rolls and only getting off the couch to get more icing, you can eat an entire bottle of weight loss pills and still feel like a heff. I’m doing society a favor by debunking the myths of diet pills and saving you money buy telling you what really worked. If you feel like I should be compensated for this, I always accept gifts.
Yeah yeah, I know everyone’s body is different and responds differently to different shit, so eat that grain of salt with your colon-cleansing booster.
I blame this entire thing on Dr. Oz. That man is a genius and literally knows everything. I don’t watch his show on the reg because I have a life and work like normal people during the day but my favorite episodes are the ones where he has a life-sized colon on stage and makes people dress up as doodey and run through the colon. Oh Oz…you sexy sexy beast. Ozzy doesn’t promote specific brands of products…again…fucking genius. But he says what shit works. I’ve been hearing all of this jazz about Green Coffee Bean Extract and the great shit it’s suppose to do for you. His taped spiel on the inter webs, a fantastic Women’s Health article and 56 customer reviews later I was ordering products. Women’s Health recommended a ‘daily cleanse’ combined with the green coffee bean shit. Now, I’m not an idiot. Cleanse is usually code for ‘you’re not going to be able to get off the pot’ and I’m a busy bitch. I don’t have time for all of that plus I was reading what they claimed to be perks on the bottle and words like sludge-clearing, clump removal and extreme turned me off. So I opted for the Bethenny Frankel Skinnygirl Daily Cleanse and Restore. I wish she paid me to type that but she didn’t so there’s no bull shit here. I got a free 60-day trial of Triminex Green Coffee Bean Extra with Raspberry Keytones. There’s a bunch of hype about the keytones too but I had had enough research for the day and clicked the option for send immediately. I figured it was free so what the hell. Women’s Health recommended taking both simultaneously so I stocked up on toilet paper and off I go.
The cleanse arrived in the mail a day before the pills and I’ve forever been the poster girl for ants in the pants so I started the cleanse a day early. It’s one of those powder packets like crystal light that you just pour in water. Countless forums said it tastes great and her motive behind the cleanse was making something that tasted good. I would buy a gold dog turd if Bethenny herself sold it to me because I love her that much and she’s the only other bitch who gets dry sarcasm and can throw together a stellar analogy as well as I can on the fly. But girl, that shits nasty. It’s suppose to been green lemonade and it taste like clay with particles floating in it. Whoever would drink this for pleasure is beyond me. It’s not suppose to make you have explosive diarrhea, just make you ‘regular.’ Why do all laxative brands use the word regular, we know what that means…you don’t need to snow blow. Anyway, I started the cleanse yesterday and ate normal. I don’t eat shit on the daily, I maintain a pretty grease free diet with veggies, fruit, tons of water etc. I am a lady and human so I have the occasional Happy Meal once a week, blizzard or fountain sodie for a bad day but I maintain my shit food to small quantities. I don’t have a ton of weight to lose, maybe 5-8 pounds for my body type but I’m mainly doing it as a detox/healthy bitch thing. I play recreational sports that I don’t take recreationally and work out about 4 times a week…ok I usually end up lying on the floor for two of the days but I’m relatively active.
So, I choke down the cleanse literally sitting at my desk waiting to walk down the hall and feel something fall or slide into third and feel a juicy turd but nothing was coming. I ate a banana and watermelon with the cleanse because my stomach is more sensitive than a preteen with her first period. Lunch rolled around and nothing…still no activity. I ate a healthy pizza for lunch and finally go but I don’t think it was cleanse induced. Leave it to the girl with IBS to take a cleanse and be stopped up. REALLY?! I shouldn’t be surprised because that’s just how shit rolls in my life. Literally.
I come home telling my father all the sorted details of my ‘movements’ or lack there of in which he replies ‘you know that’s going to kick in as soon as you get to the game.’ Like always, he was right. My father has been correct about every life prediction he makes for me. Too bad I never listen and it’s unfortunate he can’t predict lottery numbers. By kicked in, I’m talking I felt like I had to go but it was anti-climactic. Nothing happened. So I decided to throw some vodka on it and a ballpark nacho. Still nothing.
My Green Coffee shit arrived and I got to work this morning pumped to spend more time on the toilet than at my desk. I even downloaded some new apps, an emagazine and stocked up on alcohol wipes to disinfect my phone after each session. I might be gross but at least I sanitize after being gross. As I’m eagerly taking off the plastic wrapping, like a kid on Christmas who just opened the coveted Nerf gun they can fire at their sister and not get in trouble (just me?), I scan over the ingredients. My ass is allergic to the most random shit ever. Like EVER. I read the ingredients online because I’m not an idiot and it all looked like it would keep me out of the ER since I refuse to epi pen myself.
During my double take of the ingredients, I notice it’s loaded with apple cider vinegar powder. OF COURSE it is. Last time I had two teaspoons of slaw pickled in apple cider vinegar, I was in the ER throwing up blood and tar. If it was just a facial hive or gave me Jolie lips, I would’ve went for it but with the amount of kryptonite in this shit, I think my stomach would have actually shriveled up and died. PISSED, I called the company to cancel because it was one of those gimmicks where it’s free until 14 days then they charge you $150. 150 DOLLARS?! As in American dollars?! Is this made of coffee beans or panda hearts? So I call to cancel. When asked why I want to cancel, I kindly tell the lady their product tried to kill me and murder is a felony. She asked how many pills I consumed before I realized I was allergic. Really, home slice? Really? I said none because I’m not an idiot and read the label before I took it. I then told her that ingredient was NOT listed online because I checked...premeditation. She asked when I was going to send the pills back to which I told her I was keeping them free of charge and going to poison my sister with them. Don’t go social media weird on me and alert the authorities, I’m not really going to poison her, she’s not allergic to kryptonite…at least not that we know of. But coffee bean bitch on the phone didn’t need to know that.
I’m doing another cleanse packet today to see if it greases my wheels until I can get to GNC and figure some shit out. Not being able to have caffeine AND apple cider vinegar makes me a dick customer but too fucking bad. Work somewhere else.