Me: I just bought a 30pack, English Muffins, Birth Control and Glue.
BFF: Are you trying to open a Brothel with that shopping list?
Me: They serve English Muffins at Brothels? We should go there for brunch.
BFF: I was in the bathroom at work changing for my next job and my shirt fell in the toilet.
Me: You win
I can always count on my best friends to counter my situations with equally tragic one offs. This is just one of several occurrences in which I’ve realized it’s time to reevaluate my life. I started signing up for all of these 5ks for charity to be a better person. I wanted to give back, get in shape and I could’ve used a little sparkle in my life. I haven’t been training but in the rare occurrence I get the balls to actually go on a run, I come home dying and in traction for 3 days and there's the end of 'training.' Weird things always happen to me when I run anyway so it’s probably in the best interest of my own personal health and the general public to just stay on the couch. I run with my ipod, iphone or other Apple product that plays music, which usually leads to me doing a combination of running, dancing and kind of skipping around. I have routines for certain songs and I sing my ass off so I’m positive on-lookers think I have some sort of syndrome.
When I get these urges to run, I have to get up and out of the house as fast as possible. One sniff of baking cupcakes, cookies or a good show on tv will quickly deter my mission. This means I throw on the first dri-fit items I see. The beauty of work out clothes is nothing has to match. So I’m down the street and half way to the neighborhood park when I realize my wedgie is coming from my shorts being on backwards. I think to myself, ‘Way to go asshole. You have two options here. A-dive behind the bushes and quickly swap your Umbros or B-change your course and run to Walgreens for some Gold Bond for the sure chaffing/raw ass from the wedge.' As always, I went for option A. I feel like A is always the best because it was my first thought and usually my brightest idea.
Another life reevaluation epiphany occurred when I actually had to stop and stare at my second cupcake in 5 minutes to determine if it was a good idea. Several things ran through my head at this point: will you get on the treadmill later to run this off…no but you’ll put a third one in the cupcake holder and eat it after the warm up jog/walk and take a seat. Is this cupcake really worth the intense heartburn and acid reflux flare up…yes. Are you prepared to burp fire…yes but only because if I could have a super power, I’d like to spit fire for a day. There’s a lot of shit around the house I’d like to get rid of that I’m too lazy to move so if I could just light that bitch up, it would be a real time and effort saver. I could’ve been helping elderly cross the street or sewing missing eyes on dolls for the homeless children…instead I stood at the counter until I lost my train of thought trying to convince myself not to eat the cupcake and went to town. I thought if I put 2 flavors of icing on the first one I could trick myself into thinking I had 2. Nope. I’m too smart for my own good.
This doesn’t have anything to do with anything but I was driving home last night and was behind a big jack off coming from the highway. He starts giving me the one-finger salute through the back window. Curious…I pulled on the side of him to see what this joker was all about to discover he was wearing one, ONE old school headphone and was now giving me the bird through the side window. I have bad road rage and, under a normal circumstance, I would’ve shown him who was boss of this road but I was too busy trying to figure out how his solo phone was staying on his head and if I got the finger because of the ‘Eat RIGHT or don’t eat at all!!!!!!!’ bumper sticker on his vehicle and I was chowing on a roadie burrito supreme of if he was even giving me the bird at all. The side bird kind of looked like more than one flying finger…like maybe he was giving me a flock.? If someone can’t properly raise a solo finger without the others getting involved, they have bigger problems than the now cinnamon twists I have moved I was consuming.