I haven’t written a blog entry in a long time. I have been very busy shaping the minds of today’s youth, delivering food to the less able and elderly, helping the blind cross streets and looking into building schools in needing countries. AKA observing and compiling idiotic behavior of today’s society and not-so-silently cussing them out as their idiocy presents itself in my daily life.
To catch up anyone who would like amo to gossip about me, I have since moved out of my princess pad and have gotten new roommates. My princess pad came with free meals on the table when I arrived home, random gas tank fill-ups to my surprise, occasional laundry being washed and folded by the laundry fairies, gentle reminders that I’m the favorite child…the usual. Man my parents were dynamite roommates. I never would’ve left the lush life but dudes were starting to raise eyebrows in bars when they asked me if I still lived at home to which I responded ‘Fuck. Yes.’ Society was starting to turn on me and frown upon my inability to kill spiders, cook for myself and shower without reminders. I left the lush life to shack up with my ever-loving sister. We haven’t killed each other in 27 years so I figured why the fuck not. Since embarking on my new independent journey, I have been at my parents house 5 times a week, created a massive honey-do list and have called in every favor I can think of for renovation assistance…so much for independence.
Thus far I have had several ‘butch moments.’ I’ve also given several butch moments. Giving a butch moment is when something is happening that I’m too scared to take care of on my own so I scream for my sister and tell her to butch up and kill it, spray it, stomp it, make it…you get the idea. The ego snack will surprise you. She was successful in spraying a raging bee nest, killing 1 bug (1 was already dead wench) and assisting in the disposal of a fat ass squirrel. She only gets half a butch point for this and I get 1.5 as I was on the receiving end of the trauma. Scene: I’m outside spraying for weeds because I do shit like that now. I’m blind as a bat fucking butcher so I’m crouched down about 11in from the ground spraying, not looking ahead, when I’m face-to-face with the biggest squirrel I’ve ever seen in my life. Squirrels are now added to the list of things that terrify me. I’m not one to disrespect the deceased so I’ll just leave it as a fat ass motherfucker. If I ever thought I was having a heart attack in the past, I now know I wasn’t, because this was it. This was the big kahuna that was going to subtract me from existence. I kept my composure better than a beauty queen on stage being asked about the war in Syria
Thus far I have had several ‘butch moments.’ I’ve also given several butch moments. Giving a butch moment is when something is happening that I’m too scared to take care of on my own so I scream for my sister and tell her to butch up and kill it, spray it, stomp it, make it…you get the idea. The ego snack will surprise you. She was successful in spraying a raging bee nest, killing 1 bug (1 was already dead wench) and assisting in the disposal of a fat ass squirrel. She only gets half a butch point for this and I get 1.5 as I was on the receiving end of the trauma. Scene: I’m outside spraying for weeds because I do shit like that now. I’m blind as a bat fucking butcher so I’m crouched down about 11in from the ground spraying, not looking ahead, when I’m face-to-face with the biggest squirrel I’ve ever seen in my life. Squirrels are now added to the list of things that terrify me. I’m not one to disrespect the deceased so I’ll just leave it as a fat ass motherfucker. If I ever thought I was having a heart attack in the past, I now know I wasn’t, because this was it. This was the big kahuna that was going to subtract me from existence. I kept my composure better than a beauty queen on stage being asked about the war in Syria
I kindly returned the spray to the garage and gently let me sister know she had a situation in the backyard to take care of and walked out of the room. I should’ve known that wasn’t going to be the end of my participation. I was forced to ‘hold the bag’ while she shoveled it in. By shovel I mean sweep, by sweep I mean we don’t have a shovel other than a garden shovel and this hearty fuck was too big. So she gets a push broom to ‘sweep’ it in the bag. Mind you, we are standing in grass, there will be no sweeping. This bitch was going to flip that squirrel on it’s ass and right in my face. The best part about this story is everytime she would come down off a heebie jeebie epidsode, I’d flinch or yelp and send her into a tailspin. After 20 minutes of screaming/welcoming ourselves to the neighborhood, he was in the bag…guess who had to carry it to the trash. In the cluster fuck it ended up in yard waste instead of the trash and neither of us noticed it for two weeks. We found that butterball IN THE YARD and it’s now waste but whatever. What trash hauler takes the time to sift through cans to make sure what’s in there is indeed yard waste. They did it on purpose.
I’ve noticed my role in this dynamic has become ‘the sprayer of shit’ and ‘where all lost things live.’ I was somehow dubbed the guardian of spraying weeds, spraying for bugs and doing the manly work around the house. Yesterday I was forced into spraying for bugs in the basement after Butch Cassidy made a big to-do about killing a ‘massive’ bug on the basement wall. She killed that s.o.b with such force, I thought her boot was going to crash through the wall. So I go down there and pick up the spray bottle. Easy right? WRONG! I’m a Graphic Designer by trade and whatever silly dick thought it would be funny to create the packaging label with a very real looking spider should be fired. I thought there was an actual beast on the spray and had a stroke…no wonder my hair is falling out. I now have to walk around with my head cocked to the right just so it looks even stevens. I was nominated to spray yet my sister felt the need to follow me around and dictate everywhere I sprayed as I’m walking through spider webs and she’s yelling ‘OMG WHAT IS THAT?!’ I spent more time thinking bugs were on me and slapping imaginary webs off my face than actually spraying. This adventure is just the beginning. Stay tuned…