So yesterday morning I say ‘Mom, you just renewed your license, did you need your birth certificate?’ she replies ‘No, you don’t need it.’ As she’s holding the card that clearly says I need it. I take her word and left it. I get to the DMV at which point the douche behind the counter informs me that I DO need my birth certificate and the SS card, expired license, bank statement with my name and address, credit cards and college ID were not enough to prove I was a U.S citizen or who I said I was. Sketchy motherfuckers pulled over on the side of the road don’t even need to provide that much documentation to prove their identity and purpose for being on the planet!
I should’ve just stopped and gone back another day but I am dick and waited until the day it expired to go. My second trip proved equally annoying but for a completely different ball of mishaps. There was no one else there…rare. I stroll up and the woman doesn’t stop her conversation with the other woman to her left. She continues on as if I’m not standing there. I start clanging shit around and knocking over penholders to call attention to myself…nothing. After about 5 minutes of clearing my throat which caused me to choke on my own snot, she puts her hand out as if to say ‘you can hand me your shit now.’ I went through all the formalities that lead up to the dreaded vision test. My goal was to ace this without my glasses so I wasn’t one of those losers with a restriction. She asks me to read the top line of letters. I nailed them ALL. I take my head out of the contraption and started internally celebrating, blowing horns and farting confetti when she says ‘uhh aren’t you going to read the rest?’ matching her attitude I said ‘uhh I did. There aren’t anymore it’s just a white box.’ She tells me there’s a whole third column I should be able to read. This contraption is one of those genius inventions where you have to press your forehead, that 65,000 other people’s greasy ass foreheads have been on, to light up the screen in order for me to read shit. So I do what any sane person would do and start ramming my head into this lever like a mental patient thinking the machine was broken. Never did it dawn on me that my right eye is basically blind nor did it dawn on her to stop me. After I felt a bruise forming I said to myself ‘hey shithead, how about you put your glasses on.’ I cave and put them on and all of a sudden the letters appear. I still think she was fucking with me but whatever. At least, I aced the sign portion, which is so stupid because the words are written on the fucking signs anyway. If I don’t know what the shape or color means, I’ll read it…well based on the above I guess I don’t read it because I can’t see that far.
She then starts grilling me and quizzing me about whether or not I wear contacts when I don’t have glasses on and every time I replied no she got more steamed. Look bitch, I’M the one that’s blind and YOU’RE mad?! With the most pissy ass attitude I’ve heard since this morning when I went off on someone who cut me off, she says ‘Well you know you have to wear your glasses all the time now. I put a restriction on your license’ to which I replied ‘Well whoopty fuckin doo…aren’t you god.’ I say this as I’m putting my glass away back in my purse. She says ‘Yeah so you have to wear them ALLLLL the time when you’re driving.’ I reply ‘OOKKAAAYYYYY’ and zip my purse shut with glasses securely inside.
In hindsight maybe I shouldn’t have returned her whorish attitude because she could’ve saved me from the next blunder…the picture portion of the proceedings. Not only did I wake up early to give my hair Kate Beckinsale waves, but I had successfully sheltered it from the wind, mist, snow and rain for 12 hours. I perk up, slap my cheeks a little and put on my best smile…or so I thought. I should’ve known when she had the picture on the screen and asked me if I was ok with it that it was bad. Since I was far away in the picture station and was a jack off and put my glasses away to prove I’m a badass, I said sure that looks great. As I’m standing there, this one-hit wonder starts zooming in on my mug. 120%, 150%, 200%, 250%...and she wasn’t stopping. Okay okay, I get it, don’t be a bitch to someone who’s playing god with the next 6 years of your ID flashing life! She then throws me my paper copy to which I’m faced with the horror. I am of ‘standard’ weight for my height and am by no means a hef. HOWEVER, I have a raging double chin, a forehead and t-zone so greasy I could fry bacon on it and my right eye is sliding off my face. Seriously bro, you couldn’t have gotten off your high horse for 5 seconds to tell me I look like I had a stroke in the parking lot, stuck my thumb in my mouth and blew or that I looked like I should be gobbling?!
Just wait until those assholes have to renew theirs. I cannot WAIT until they get their pictures. And since when do they zoom so fucking hard. All in all, my ending advice is don’t piss off the bitch taking your picture. She WILL fuck you over. Hard.