I often mix life lessons into my blog posts. Kids, this is one of those times. I’ve already taught you how to properly doodey at work and in a bar (Ode to the Bar 2), how to behave on Black Friday (Spreading Holidays Cheer One Scissor Kick at a Time) and in a Bread Co (Bread Co. Boycott). and today I will teach you how not to be a dick during Secret Santa. I wasn’t going to write about this as it’s a pet peeve of mine (as well as leaving closet doors open, taking a steaming 2 without spray or warning, peeing anywhere but in the bowl, etc.) and I figured I’d go off on a tangent; fitting, as I’m not even a paragraph in and I’ve already been sidetracked, but one of my best friends emailed me her Secret Santa woes and I knew it wasn’t just me. It was now my civic duty (sorry, I’m a child and giggle anytime duty or doodey is said or typed) to educate the world on gift giving. Anyone who disagrees with this is either lying to themselves or they are people who give found items, trash or things that are suppose to be funny but aren’t.
Secret Santa is one thing. White Elephant, is another. There is NO combination of the two that will result in a happy gift receiver. The whole point of giving gifts is to show the receiver you appreciate, love and cherish them. How appreciated do you feel when you open a rake from someone’s garage, hemorrhoid cream, Dollar General place settings or slippers made of Maxi Pads? If everyone is aware you’re suppose to find or make shit to give someone, that’s fine, there is no issue…everyone is in on the spiel. My problem arises when you’re supposed to be exchanging legit gifts the receiver won’t throw away in the wrapping paper trash bag, and you open vacuum bags that don’t go with the vacuum you currently own. You either give trash collectively, don’t do shit at all or exchange good gifts. Look, I’m all for humorous gifts, but a used lawnmower that doesn’t work, isn’t my idea of a funny gift. It’s now an annoying piece of shit sitting in front of me that I have to figure out who’s doorstep I’m going to leave it on. My motto is, if you’re exchanging Secret Santa and you don’t know what to get, before you buy trash, just give them the cash. No one is ever disappointed with a ten spot. If you want to put it in something stupid to get your yaya’s then have at it. This year my sister wanted cash…like I’m going to wrap you a piece of money. I have to make that shit annoying. I plan to lock it in a toy car and piss her off as she tries getting it out. I’d normally not do this but I was informed last night that next to my name in her phone there are emoticons of a girl getting her head blown off. We love each other.
Secret Santa is one thing. White Elephant, is another. There is NO combination of the two that will result in a happy gift receiver. The whole point of giving gifts is to show the receiver you appreciate, love and cherish them. How appreciated do you feel when you open a rake from someone’s garage, hemorrhoid cream, Dollar General place settings or slippers made of Maxi Pads? If everyone is aware you’re suppose to find or make shit to give someone, that’s fine, there is no issue…everyone is in on the spiel. My problem arises when you’re supposed to be exchanging legit gifts the receiver won’t throw away in the wrapping paper trash bag, and you open vacuum bags that don’t go with the vacuum you currently own. You either give trash collectively, don’t do shit at all or exchange good gifts. Look, I’m all for humorous gifts, but a used lawnmower that doesn’t work, isn’t my idea of a funny gift. It’s now an annoying piece of shit sitting in front of me that I have to figure out who’s doorstep I’m going to leave it on. My motto is, if you’re exchanging Secret Santa and you don’t know what to get, before you buy trash, just give them the cash. No one is ever disappointed with a ten spot. If you want to put it in something stupid to get your yaya’s then have at it. This year my sister wanted cash…like I’m going to wrap you a piece of money. I have to make that shit annoying. I plan to lock it in a toy car and piss her off as she tries getting it out. I’d normally not do this but I was informed last night that next to my name in her phone there are emoticons of a girl getting her head blown off. We love each other.
Secret Santa is ALWAYS a fiasco in my family…as is everything that is an organized situation. There are just too many fucking people to make everyone happy, which is why the logical solution is to just not do anything at all. It’s always a fight. Secret Santa or White Elephant. Little kid exchange vs. older kid exchange etc. I think I’m the only one who realizes when you put 50 people in a confined space, no one is going to be happy anyway unless they’re drunk or eating so what the fuck difference does it make. Case in point…Christmas last year consisted of us arriving at my aunts house 4 hours early because my mom was on pills for her frozen shoulder and decided that’s what time we were suppose to be there. By the time the other 75 family members strolled in, we were starving and of course dinner wasn’t ready since we got there during breakfast hours. This is the same outing where my mother was criticizing my aunt for not having a Christmas tree when the fucking thing was sitting right in front of her face. (That reminds me to bring some of her left over pills this year for myself) My sister decides to help the show get on the road by telling my mother she was going to start guzzling wine and wasn’t going to stop until dinner was served. I have to applaud this tactic as it sent my mom into a tailspin to get dinner ready and prevent my sister from making a drunken scene; but also gave her a nice buzz, which she thoroughly enjoyed for the remainder of the evening. I also have to commend her for thinking of this before me as I was now stuck being the DD.
I should probably also mention my sister, two cousins and I are a lot like our mothers. Sorry if you read this but that shit is undeniable. Like them, we are getting ‘loftier’ with age aka blonde moments become more frequent aka we do stupid shit aka a lot of our conversations don’t make sense. Now, I will credit a few of the 6 people I just mentioned, as some of us aren’t as bad as the others. I will be the first to admit, I’m on the worse list. I could actually be worse than all of them combined, but I embrace my inner…well outer too…space cadet. It’s not like I’m out of touch with reality, I just choose a less serious/safe approach to life. Needless to say when this collection of society gets together, there is not one conversation between us that makes any fucking sense. It typically starts with one of us saying something stupid which results in someone getting made fun of, uncontrollable laughter, usually someone dropping something or running into something and the rest of the family staring at us like we are idiots.
I should probably also mention my sister, two cousins and I are a lot like our mothers. Sorry if you read this but that shit is undeniable. Like them, we are getting ‘loftier’ with age aka blonde moments become more frequent aka we do stupid shit aka a lot of our conversations don’t make sense. Now, I will credit a few of the 6 people I just mentioned, as some of us aren’t as bad as the others. I will be the first to admit, I’m on the worse list. I could actually be worse than all of them combined, but I embrace my inner…well outer too…space cadet. It’s not like I’m out of touch with reality, I just choose a less serious/safe approach to life. Needless to say when this collection of society gets together, there is not one conversation between us that makes any fucking sense. It typically starts with one of us saying something stupid which results in someone getting made fun of, uncontrollable laughter, usually someone dropping something or running into something and the rest of the family staring at us like we are idiots.
This year is sure to be of the same intellectual caliber mixed with gift annoyance. The gift decision this year is for all age groups to do Secret Santa…one big collective cluster fuck. You might think oh well, that’s good…one or the other, no confusion. Yeah well it WOULD have been fine had my uncle not decided the giver gets to choose if you want to give trash aka white elephant or a legit gift. My favorite part was the only people who attended thanksgiving were allowed to know of this little disclaimer. The beauty of this decision is 80% of my family lives out of state and only about 5% of the family actually attended Thanksgiving. Tis’ the season.