Secret Santa is one thing. White Elephant, is another. There is NO combination of the two that will result in a happy gift receiver. The whole point of giving gifts is to show the receiver you appreciate, love and cherish them. How appreciated do you feel when you open a rake from someone’s garage, hemorrhoid cream, Dollar General place settings or slippers made of Maxi Pads? If everyone is aware you’re suppose to find or make shit to give someone, that’s fine, there is no issue…everyone is in on the spiel. My problem arises when you’re supposed to be exchanging legit gifts the receiver won’t throw away in the wrapping paper trash bag, and you open vacuum bags that don’t go with the vacuum you currently own. You either give trash collectively, don’t do shit at all or exchange good gifts. Look, I’m all for humorous gifts, but a used lawnmower that doesn’t work, isn’t my idea of a funny gift. It’s now an annoying piece of shit sitting in front of me that I have to figure out who’s doorstep I’m going to leave it on. My motto is, if you’re exchanging Secret Santa and you don’t know what to get, before you buy trash, just give them the cash. No one is ever disappointed with a ten spot. If you want to put it in something stupid to get your yaya’s then have at it. This year my sister wanted cash…like I’m going to wrap you a piece of money. I have to make that shit annoying. I plan to lock it in a toy car and piss her off as she tries getting it out. I’d normally not do this but I was informed last night that next to my name in her phone there are emoticons of a girl getting her head blown off. We love each other.
I should probably also mention my sister, two cousins and I are a lot like our mothers. Sorry if you read this but that shit is undeniable. Like them, we are getting ‘loftier’ with age aka blonde moments become more frequent aka we do stupid shit aka a lot of our conversations don’t make sense. Now, I will credit a few of the 6 people I just mentioned, as some of us aren’t as bad as the others. I will be the first to admit, I’m on the worse list. I could actually be worse than all of them combined, but I embrace my inner…well outer too…space cadet. It’s not like I’m out of touch with reality, I just choose a less serious/safe approach to life. Needless to say when this collection of society gets together, there is not one conversation between us that makes any fucking sense. It typically starts with one of us saying something stupid which results in someone getting made fun of, uncontrollable laughter, usually someone dropping something or running into something and the rest of the family staring at us like we are idiots.