I sit at the kitchen table this morning enjoying a less than exciting breakfast of a banana and now lukewarm milk while doling out my diabetic cat’s insulin when my mom creeps in the room. I acknowledge that she’s there; make general chitchat about what the cleaning lady broke yesterday and go about my biz. My dad enters and starts bragging about the chicken slices on toast he’s concocting for breakfast when I casually make the comment ‘Man, my stomach is NOT feeling good.’ This is a statement that’s made at least 6 times from various members of my family throughout the day and never elicits the argument that is about to ensue.
I’ll back up with yesterday’s situation as I feel it’s what catapulted today’s blunder. I came home from work and told my mom I thought I had a sinus infection brewing. She asked why I thought that so I responded by telling her I had bloody boogs and spent the first 30 minutes of work conducting one-on-one time with the doodey stall. Her response ‘Ellen Rose’ said in her typical tone of shame and disgust. I’ll take full blame for this because it was my own fault telling her I was 2-ing on the clock. (One of the many ‘inappropriate’ things I do that embarrasses her) I ate cold pills like skittles, finished making my spaghettio’s and went upstairs, dropping the subject...
So this morning when I make my comment about my impending situation, I followed it up by saying ‘The question is, can I make it to work first.’ I forgot my dad wasn’t the only one in the audience. He chuckles and the next thing I know, I’m ass deep in a lashing about how I’m going to get fired for spending so much time in the bathroom while at work. First of all, it’s not like I set up shop in there, I consider myself a relatively fast user unless I’m sick, in which case, I can’t help it. I respond by telling my mom they can’t fire me for that and they probably just think I stepped out for a meeting. This only further enraged her. She’s now slamming plates out of the dishwasher and making sarcastic comments about ‘Yeah, I don’t know what I’m talking about. Fine. Do whatever you want.’ I say ‘Mom, what am I suppose to do? Hold it until the end of the day (not like I could) then wait until I get home or clock out and hit up the local QT?’ She says ‘No, you can go before you leave the house.’ I then look at my dad for some back up only to find him laughing at me behind my mom’s back and making fast motion pointed gestures. This is the usual procedure at my house. My mom flies off the deep end over ketchup or like last night, the curtain being open in the living room when no one was downstairs? And the target looks to the other for back up only to find them laughing with a ‘good-luck asshole’ face. I knew I was on my own.
I understand there are people out there who cannot doodey unless they are at their home bowl. I get it. You want to know who else’s ass has been where you’re about to place yours and some people can’t get comfortable in public. As I have zero shame whatsoever, I never have this issue. People who can only 2 at home already know what diseases their family members carry and how often they wash their b-hole. You have two options when you’re in public walking down the hall and feel something fall. You can release your inner demons and not care because EVERYONE DOES IT or option 2; sitting on it (literally I guess) until you’re home at which point you’re doubled over in pain from the contractions and have pit stains from the sweat flashes. I kind of admire option 2 people because holding it for an 8-hour workday after a strong morning roast deserves a trophy.
My mom says I’m a ‘lady’ and shouldn’t be doing these things in public and that I should be embarrassed more often by my actions. I do agree that I should be more embarrassed about my life doings but my office wouldn’t have provided me a pooping suite if they didn’t encourage their employees to make themselves at home. The ‘suite’ is the biggest stall in the joint equipped with floor to ceiling walls so the offender can’t be identified by their shoes covered in a decorative wallpaper, full-length door and mood lighting. You’re probably wondering at this point which option my mother is. She’s secret option number 3. The user who acts disgusted by us option oners but when she’s put in a do or die situation, she breaks out her travel pack of emergency toilet seat liners (a matching pack to the one she got me which I now use as bibs for eating in my car) and quickly does her business and sneaks out of the bathroom before anyone sees her. I’m hip on ninja poopers. You can flush the toilet as many times as you like to conceal the sound, but we all know what you’re doing in there.
Side note, my intern just told me I look tired today. When people tell you you look tired that’s their PC way of telling you that you look rough. She would look ‘tired’ too if she got a beat down before 6am and only ate a banana for breakfast because she left her Hot Pocket on the counter.
Anyway, I have more respect for people who aren’t embarrassed or ashamed of their functions. I’ll leave you with a few tips on how to be a polite public dumper. Warn me before I walk into the stall after you. It’s rude to let someone be hit in the face by a wall of hot sulfur without warning. There is a row of 5 stalls at work and I always seem to walk into the one that someone has just left a present in. It never fails. When at a friends house and needing to use the john for an extended period of time, it’s not inappropriate to let the home owner know your intentions and kindly ask if there’s another bowl you can blow up out of the main living space. The flush series…this can be tricky so take note. I run a 5-flush operation. The first one should be conducted upon sitting, this prevents any evidence of your visit. The second flush or courtesy flush should happen about a quarter of the way in as a polite gesture to other users who are currently basting in your stench. Depending on your situation the third flush could be conducted as many times as needed until hitting the home stretch. This flush prevents clogs and any overflow situations clearing the way for tp. The fourth flush is your tp flush and finisher. The last and final flush should be conducted after you’ve put yourself back together and are ready to exit. This flush should rid any reminisce or leftovers that might identify your activity.