This traumatic fear/paralyzing phobia, is caused by my mother. Ever since she saw the movie ‘Birds,’ she’s been deathly afraid of them. I always made fun of her and thought she was ridic until I came into my adult years. I can’t blame her because that movie was fucked up and when I was a kid, she SOMEHOW let 2 crows in the house. First of all, how the fuck does that happen? Birds don’t just enter establishments on their own free will, especially a mastodon like a crow. I was at school minding my own biz so I didn’t witness this but I have no doubt the scene was mass hysteria. She called my dad, who was working, in a total meltdown saying he needs to get his ass home as if the house is on fire. She manages to trap them in a closet. Oh….WHO’S closet you might wonder.? MINE and my sister’s since we shared that shit. It still baffles me how she got close enough to close the closet door but whatev. My dad comes home and takes a shotgun to our closet and slaughters those bitches all over our clothes!!! Nothing like going to school with crow blood on your jumper. I feel this and the fact that my childhood bff had a bird and let it fly wild around her house, is where my fear of birds was introduced. Her bird was very nice and small but when shit flies around my head, it’s going to get real.
Fast-forward about 20 years and here I am being ambushed on the daily by flying fuckers with a cause. Like lions, dinosaurs and snakes…I feel birds can sense your fear. They know I’m terrified and purposely look for me in parking lots AND MY OWN HOME! When I walk down the street, birds sneak out from behind bushes and fly right into me. I know they’re laughing…I’ve heard it. This isn’t even in my head because my BFF bitch saw it first hand (she’s a bitch because she’s witnessed this and laughed her ass off on all occasions instead of helping me. If you find crickets in your pillowcase, it wasn’t me Stace.) The big crows wait for me in the parking lot at work. I think they are retaliating because they know what my dad did to their ancestors and as of yesterday…turkey’s now have my number.
20 minutes later, I was down to 4 faint facial hives and a rashed-out neck and ready to take down my first slice that is now cold. I put the coveted triangle piece to my mouth when I hear it…raging, high-pitched gobbling! This jack off was back and he was going to let me know. I ran back and forth from the front of the house to the back looking for this taunting beast but couldn’t find it. Ok jokester, hide from me. But if you so much as THINK about pecking my window tonight or gobble scream in my direction, it’s game on pecker fuck. I have no doubt, he went back and chest bumped his bros.