I ran across this website that had a ton of cool shit I don’t need but have to have. I’m clearly having a very busy day. I started dragging off the pictures to my wish list, when one of the captions caught my eye. I started reading the others and quickly realized the person who created this website is either high or my long lost pen pal from 5th grade.
I typically write blogs when something ridiculous happens in my life. However, per the usual, shit is off kilter on the reg and it’s too much to keep up with. This blog entry was spawned off of a very traumatic incident that occurred last night in the comfort of my own home. I guess that shouldn’t be odd to anyone since crazy shit could happen to me while sitting in a laundry hamper. I’ll give background by admitting to one of my biggest fears in life, BIRDS! I take that back. I won’t be racist…it’s ANYTHING that flies that isn’t of the human variety. Yes this includes butterflies and ladybugs. I don’t care if you think that shits ‘cute’ and you doodled them on your trapper keeper in grade school. If you don’t want me to attend your nuptials, have your wedding at the Butterfly House. My ass will be in the car drinking with the ac on until its time to take pictures or move to another location. I’ll get a Sonic hearing device, use binoculars and put an earwig in the bride’s ear so she doesn’t miss any of my commentary. It will be like I’m there minus the screaming, flailing and hives. I heard butterflies die if you touch them…it would be like a scene out of a Hitchcock movie if you put me in that capsule.
This traumatic fear/paralyzing phobia, is caused by my mother. Ever since she saw the movie ‘Birds,’ she’s been deathly afraid of them. I always made fun of her and thought she was ridic until I came into my adult years. I can’t blame her because that movie was fucked up and when I was a kid, she SOMEHOW let 2 crows in the house. First of all, how the fuck does that happen? Birds don’t just enter establishments on their own free will, especially a mastodon like a crow. I was at school minding my own biz so I didn’t witness this but I have no doubt the scene was mass hysteria. She called my dad, who was working, in a total meltdown saying he needs to get his ass home as if the house is on fire. She manages to trap them in a closet. Oh….WHO’S closet you might wonder.? MINE and my sister’s since we shared that shit. It still baffles me how she got close enough to close the closet door but whatev. My dad comes home and takes a shotgun to our closet and slaughters those bitches all over our clothes!!! Nothing like going to school with crow blood on your jumper. I feel this and the fact that my childhood bff had a bird and let it fly wild around her house, is where my fear of birds was introduced. Her bird was very nice and small but when shit flies around my head, it’s going to get real.
Fast-forward about 20 years and here I am being ambushed on the daily by flying fuckers with a cause. Like lions, dinosaurs and snakes…I feel birds can sense your fear. They know I’m terrified and purposely look for me in parking lots AND MY OWN HOME! When I walk down the street, birds sneak out from behind bushes and fly right into me. I know they’re laughing…I’ve heard it. This isn’t even in my head because my BFF bitch saw it first hand (she’s a bitch because she’s witnessed this and laughed her ass off on all occasions instead of helping me. If you find crickets in your pillowcase, it wasn’t me Stace.) The big crows wait for me in the parking lot at work. I think they are retaliating because they know what my dad did to their ancestors and as of yesterday…turkey’s now have my number.
That’s right, I was mauled by a 20lb butterball! So what if I was inside and it was outside, IT ATTACKED ME! I had just sat down with a fat plate of pizza next to the window, when I look over to take in the view when I’m suddenly accosted by Thanksgiving dinner. This bitch could’ve easily fed a family of 25 and it had no problem staring me down from the garden. For new friends to the blog, I do NOT live in the country or a wildlife provoking area of any sorts. Walking 50ft into the woods to take a dump is not my style nor is digging ticks out of my ass crack. Under no circumstance should turkey be in my yard unless it’s on my sandwich that I’m enjoying picnic style. Please don’t send me messages about being a murderer or imposing animal cruelty because I don’t have time for that…well I do but I just don’t give a shit. I’m a carnivore, get over it or read something else.
Once this beady-eyed bastard blinked first, I immediately started screaming, jumping around and breaking out in facial hives. I yelled for back up (my dad) and started desperately grasping for my invisible rape whistle. He thought I was a lunatic…naturally, until he walked to the window and said ‘Holy shit, that IS a turkey.’ I might be blind but I can distinguish a winged creature from miles away…I sense that shit. I’m assuming it heard the commotion because it attempted to fly over the fence heading to the front yard. Look, I knew turkeys had wings but I didn’t really think they could fly pigeon-style. They are fat as fuck. This only led me to my next conclusion…this turkey was a super human, roid-raged dick with a vengeance. Yes, I eat turkey, but not even close to the amount of 6 piece chicken nuggets I eat and I’ve NEVER been assaulted by one of my bros. I used to take home the classroom chickens in grade school to take to the farm of a family friend, who I only knew by the name Marty Meat, so maybe that got me in good with the whole species. If this is true, those mafia members better spread the fucking word to their other winged behemoths.
I was sitting in my mother’s chair when this violation occurred. She’s out of town, thankfully, or else she would’ve been in the emergency room suffering from a heart attack. I took one for the ultimate team yesterday with no gratitude. In between my screams, jumping and commotion, my dad was pushing me to the front door to ‘follow it.’ This man didn’t just meet me. I have no clue why he thought I’d want to FOLLOW this fucker but I did as I was told and snapped pictures that I was told to text my mother. When I calmed down, I realized he wanted to skizz her out from afar and I was immediately on board.
20 minutes later, I was down to 4 faint facial hives and a rashed-out neck and ready to take down my first slice that is now cold. I put the coveted triangle piece to my mouth when I hear it…raging, high-pitched gobbling! This jack off was back and he was going to let me know. I ran back and forth from the front of the house to the back looking for this taunting beast but couldn’t find it. Ok jokester, hide from me. But if you so much as THINK about pecking my window tonight or gobble scream in my direction, it’s game on pecker fuck. I have no doubt, he went back and chest bumped his bros.