As reality sets in, I’ve realized a few things that could potentially be a problem.
1.) My sister and I are both HIGHLY terrified of bugs and spiders
2.) My sister and I are both HIGHLY terrified of things that fly that are not human
3.) Neither of us have ever been allowed to cut the grass because my dad has extreme OCD over the lawn and who is allowed to cut it, sit on it, touch it or breathe near it
4.) Plumbing…clogs, over flows, broken parts...no clue. If you can’t glue it or kick it, I’m out of solutions for repair
5.) I have to change my address on my whole life…I wonder if I leave bills with my parents address if they will accidently pay one or two. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
6.) Shit is expensive. What do they make spot shot out of...panda hearts?
While all of these things may be considered ridiculous, they are very real fears. Whatever fuckers are laughing, be prepared for a phone call to come kill, fix or hang something. Over the weekend we learned to ‘butch up.’ We both killed a bug and together we figured out how to get the slider back on the track after my sister ran in to it. This was more out of fear as my parents were due home any minute and I just finished breaking the water disposal thing on the fridge. Evidently fear makes us more knowledgeable in the way of home improvement. Not more than an hour after the celebrations wound down, her dog came in the house with, what I swore was, a cicada on his paw. Of course he ran right over to me because we are besties. My flannel shirt and sanity went straight out the window. Fast forward mass shrieking and hysteria…it was a leaf…and my dad got it off his foot. Baby steps people, baby steps.
My sister is also going to attempt to do yard work on her own. Godspeed sister, godspeed. I’ll watch you from the window with an ice tea and 9 and 1 dialed on my cell. I guess you’re getting tall socks for housewarming. Another part of not living with your parents anymore means you need a ton of shit. Things you thought just came with a house…like windex, Clorox, room spray, toilet cleaner, dishwashing liquid etc. If I were a dude, I’d steal napkins from McD and squirt QT soap into a Gatorade bottle mixed with water and call them my multi-purpose cleaner and wiping/wipe-up cloths. No one would think twice. Reason 32847 why guys have it better than girls. If we don’t have guest towels, we get the stink eye. Well guess what…you can use the same fucking towel I did because I’m not spending $10 on your own personal towel or taking the time to wash the shit. I’m going to be a fantastic hostess, I can already tell. P.S to all of the fuckers thinking they are going to ‘drop-in’ I HATE the drop in. So if you insist on doing it, bring me something to make me not hide under the windowsill until you leave my porch. I always need bread, booze and guacamole. If you’re feeling frisky, bring me toilet paper, paper towels or gas for my butch’s lawnmower.
My parents used make fun of me for watching all of television's most quality programming : ‘Hoarders Buried Alive,’ ‘My Strange Addiction,’ and ‘Extreme Couponing’ to name a few. Thanks to ‘My Strange Addiction,’ the people who are addicted to not spending money have taught me you can save on your water bill by not flushing number 1. ‘Hoarders’ taught me where you have piles of shit, you have bugs, rats or feral cats so lets stay the fuck away from that noise. ‘Extreme Couponing’ has helped me start our stockpile of tampons, Velveeta stove top meals, Neosporin, bug spray and Cottonelle flushable wipes!! It’s not so funny when I get all my shit free IS IT?!